During my year of illness I chose to pursue internal peace. I had many forces working against me. Circumstances opened up opportunities for fear to rule. My brain chemistry changed and my mind fought against me. Then there was the internal monologue, the mental energy that carries a façade of logic but turns into a checklist of hurts and fears.
In my year, only one thing steadied my mind and allowed me to walk in peace. I chose to turn my mind toward God, turn my trust to Him (Is. 26:3), and to live not from my circumstance but according to His perspective of my life. My disease might be healed with one word. My disease might be cured in one year of treatment. My disease might be managed over the course of a life. Whatever my physical destiny is, my mental peace is the source of my true destiny.
Peace comes through choice. Trust leads to peace. Righteousness leads to peace (Is 32:17). Faith in Jesus leads to peace (John 16:33). When my life is filled with love, there is no room for fear to remain (1 John 4:18).
I have tested each of these and I found them to be true.
At the end of my treatments, my mind turned against me. My fears, my hurt, were not something I could control. My mind dimmed and a grey haze settled in. There was no clarity. Depression took my last strength and pushed me into a constant noise, a throbbing hurt. With the end of treatments, the haze lifted for me, but for many people it is always there. It is important to recognize that inner peace looks different for each of us. For me, peace feels different today than it did a month ago. No matter what level of clarity I am able to obtain, my faith will make me strong and I will choose to go in peace and let healing follow (Matthew 5:34).
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